SHIT: I Am Talking About It.
Talked about poop with a white couple yesterday. How the fear of losing our sense of civility drove our entire society to compulsively buy out all of the toilet paper from all possible platforms when covid started last year. Right up there next to the fear of death by plague or by starvation, was the fear of the shame of not being able to poop in private.
Shame as an invisible tool to maintain the status quo… how long have we existed like this together?
Separately from sitting with this white couple and separate from white supremacy, I’ve been sitting with the shame of my Japanese colonizer ancestry and Japanese imperialism. There’s really no greater shame I could possibly feel, even more so than that of being caught pooping in public, than owning up to the harms and trauma that my people have caused over multiple timelines, including the present one. The demonic pillaging, the dehumanizing raping, the years and years of drunken entitlement and gaslighting, of justifying the madness of wreaking havoc onto innocent people by acting like we’re advancing our own. Mimicking white since that’s who’s on top and feeling proud of being associated with supremacy. I’ve never quite spelled it out like that until just now and it makes me sick. And yet, I’ve never spelled it out quite that way because I probably knew it would.
To sit with the wrongs that can’t be righted. To sit with a shame so huge no action nor amount of “sorry” could possibly reconcile. To witness loved ones in the present still suffer from the impact of the bloodline you descend from. It’s dysregulating, destabilizing, and makes you feel as if you yourself are the traumatized one. Instinctively, you act like you have nothing to do with it, that you as an individual are entirely different. That it’s all in the past.
(Trauma) Instinct… verses knowing. The knowing that makes us continue to stock up on toilet paper. To at once know that shitting is something we must do and to avoid having that be known at all costs. To morph the word into code so that it means just about every thing other than what it actually is.
… the ability to communicate the knowing in words. The Acknowledgment. I emphasize the capital A for Ascension in the word Acknowledgment. In order to deprogram from the social order that has conditioned the way I am here, I first have to own my shit.
What comes next? Maybe self acceptance and to love myself whole despite. Maybe the capacity to love another in their multitudes. Maybe a new world order.
But first, first I sit on the toilet for all to see. For all to know that I’ve been in the bathroom for a very long time. To stay with and be in my own stench.
